


To Love Another Person

by estelraca



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Multi, Polyamory Negotiations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:20:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27832900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estelraca/pseuds/estelraca
Summary: It was Nott who fell in love with most of the Nein, but it's Veth who has to live with it.  Thankfully her husband is more than understanding.
Relationships: Yeza Brenatto/Caduceus Clay/Fjord/Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett/Nott | Veth/Caleb Widogast/Yasha
Comments: 6
Kudos: 44
Collections: Critmas Exchange 2020





	To Love Another Person

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Capitola](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capitola/gifts).



> I love the Mighty Nein, and I love Veth, and I love polyamory, so I gave it my best shot. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

_To Love Another Person_

Nott falls in love with Caleb shortly after she meets him.

She isn't intending to fall in love with him. At first she tries to tell herself that it's something else—that it's a mother's instincts seeing someone who needs protecting, nothing more. From the first time she's thrown into a cell with him, after all, he's clearly in need of assistance and nurturing.

Nott huddles in her cell, feeling sorry for herself. She hadn't been intending to steal anything. She had told herself that it would be fine, that she wasn't hungry, that she just wanted to see what the festival was like. She's from a farming community herself, after all, though Nott tries not to remember that—tries not to think about the cycle of the seasons, about when everyone gathers for planting, when for harvesting, about when the community comes together to feast and celebrate either in relief that work is done or joy that warmth is returning.

She didn't recognize the dance steps at this festival. She's far enough away from home that they are unfamiliar, and the people in this town are human, not halfling.

Humans and halflings both have the same—very reasonable—response to goblins who can't keep their hands off shiny things, even if those shiny things are only buttons.

Nott spends an hour alone in her cell before the door opens again and a human is thrown in alongside her.

The human is dirty, his clothes travel-worn and threadbare. His red hair is a shaggy mane hanging over his eyes as he studies Nott and then turns to their jailer. “You can't put me in here.”

“Why not?” The man spits on the ground in front of this new prisoner. “Two thieves in the same cell seems right to me.”

The new prisoner hesitates, looking confused. “It's... because we're both thieves?”

“Yep. Thief one, meet thief two. The both of you'll be seen to in the morning. Probably not early morning, because the rest of us are trying to enjoy a well-earned celebration. So maybe the afternoon. Or the next day. Whenever we feel like it.” Their jailer slams the iron door closed, studying the newcomer with a sneer. “What, you think I was putting you in with her because I looked under your clothes? We're not barbarians here. But I figure it you're gonna be stealing from anyone, might as well be each other.”

The newcomer's hands clench into fists, and then he very slowly draws a breath and unclenches them. “ _Danke_ for the warning, then. I will take it to heart.”

Their jailer slams his hand against the bars once, snorting and shaking his head as he studies the two of them. Then he turns and walks away.

Nott studies her new cell-mate, wondering exactly what she's gotten herself into.

“ _Guten abend_.” The newcomer sticks to the other side of the cell from Nott, watching her warily. “I am Caleb Widogast.”

He has a strong accent, though his Common is easy enough to understand. Nott keeps her mask up, though she knows at this close a range the fact that she's a goblin is pretty hard to miss. “I'm Nott.”

“Nott.” Caleb's eyebrows draw together for a moment as he clearly struggles to make sense of her name. “Well, Nott, do we intend to steal from each other?”

“If I tell you yes, then you'll be on guard. If I tell you _no_ , then you'll also be on guard, because I'm a thief, and a thief is a type of liar, and a liar can't be trusted.”

Caleb blinks, then huffs out a breath of air that Nott realizes belatedly is a laugh. “No, a thief is not to be trusted.”

“What did you try to steal, Caleb?” Different types of thieves require different types of watching, after all. If Caleb was trying to steal something worth actual money, then he's likely much more dangerous than if he was trying to steal clothes or food. Not _necessarily_ , because sometimes smart people try to take expensive things to _sell_ for food and clothes, but probably.

“It doesn't matter.” Caleb waves a hand, starting to pace the length of the cell. He's built long and lanky, with obvious signs of poor nutrition showing in the thin bones of his wrist and the rough look of his skin.

“Sure it does. I mean, if you're trying to steal blood or something, I need to know about it before I go to sleep, right?”

“I am not a _vampir_. Not of that sort, at least.” The last words are muttered more to himself than to Nott.

Which doesn't make them less concerning. “I mean, I would be concerned about a vampire of _any_ sort, so if you _are_ one...”

Caleb waves a hand. “It wasn't so much _stealing_ as... scamming. I did a trick for a child, turning a rock into gold. Her mother saw me do it and gave me a few coppers for it. I did it... quite a few more times, and wasn't fast enough getting away before the hour was up and all the gold turned back into rocks.”

Nott feels her mouth dropping slowly open before a grin takes over her face. “Caleb, that's _brilliant_. I wouldn't have thought of doing something like that, but with the right flare, the right timing—wait, does that mean you're a, you know... magic person?”

Caleb's lips twitch into the barest hint of a smile, though it fades under the weight of something dark and sorrowing moments later. “I was training to be a wizard, once. I have a few tricks up my sleeve.”

“Wonderful!” Nott gestures to the door. “Does that mean you can get us out of here? Maybe, like... turn the stone to wood and then we push our way out?”

Caleb studies the stone walls dubiously. “Transmutation _is_ my specialty, but this... it would require a great deal of work to change an area large enough for me. I could get you out more easily...”

The offer hangs, unspoken but definitely implied, in the air.

Nott studies Caleb more carefully. “You would do that? Help me escape while you stay here?”

Caleb shrugs, turning his face away. “Nobody should live in a cage. Not even a goblin thief.”

“Nott the goblin thief.” Nott laughs, though the sounds are acid in her throat. “Has a nice ring to it.”

“I think we can come up with something better.” Caleb moves to the door, studying the lock. “But first we should figure out how to get ourselves out of here.”

“Oh, that's easy.” Nott moves to the bars as well, scanning for any sign of their jailers. “I can pick the lock. I just need to make sure we're not going to be immediately caught, so I was planning to give them a little more time to get into the holiday spirit.” She mimes drinking from a flask, though hers was confiscated when they shoved her into this cell.

Caleb frowns at her. “They let you keep lockpicks? They searched me and took most of my magical components.”

“Oh, they searched me. But I have fast hands, and for some reason they didn't want to put their fingers in my mouth to check for anything there.” Nott lowers her mask and grins at Caleb, revealing her sharp teeth.

Caleb gives a slow nod. “Well, I will leave our escape from the cell in your hands. Our escape from the building... I will see what I can do to be of assistance.”

Silence stretches between them, but Nott doesn't allow it to continue unbroken. If she does, Caleb might start asking her questions, and she might start having to lie. “So, what kind of things can you do, Caleb?”

“Oh, it depends. As I said, transmutation is what I'm best at, though I will be _better_ at it if I get my things back. Aside from that...” Caleb's fingers twitch, his voice getting quieter. “I am very good with fire.”

Something happened to him. Nott is sure of it from that moment. Something happened to hurt the human, and it makes her furious with the world.

Maybe it shouldn't have. Maybe it should have taken longer for her to realize how badly he was hurt, or for her to want to make it stop. There's no reason for her to care, after all.

But Caleb didn't call her a monster. He didn't flinch from her form or her voice or the things that she did to try to quiet the dissonance in her mind—the feeling, always there, that something _isn't right_.

“I've been traveling for a while.” Nott curls herself in the corner of the cell, patting the ground next to her. “Want me to tell you about it?”

Caleb hesitates, and then settles down next to her. There's a bruise on his cheek, just starting to darken. “Sure.”

So Nott tells him about traveling around the Empire, though she doesn't tell him _why_ she's traveling. She says that she's running from her goblin tribe, though she doesn't tell him that she's not _supposed_ to be a part of a goblin tribe, that she's running for more reasons than he can possibly imagine.

She tells him enough to weave an interesting story, maybe embellishing things as she goes, and when she's done speaking, she pulls her lock picks out of her pocket and heads to the cell door. “Keep an eye out for me?”

Caleb nods, and together they break out of their cell. Together they find their things.

Together they sneak past their jailers, the man and woman laughing as they throw dice down on the table.

Together they run from justice, because no one should be in a cage, and sometimes justice for small things is really cruelty when a person's whole life is put into view.

***

Nott still would have been all right if Caleb hadn't gotten himself chewed on by gnolls.

It happens so quickly. One minute they're fine; the next there are dog-men trying to eat their faces, and Nott still isn't sure they entirely deserve it. Maybe a _little_ bit deserve it, since they are running from people they had relieved of a bag of coin, but the punishment definitely is harsher than the crime.

Especially when Caleb goes down and doesn't get up again.

Nott kills the gnoll that did it. She shoots the creature through the eye, just like she would have done back in Felderwin when she was protecting a flock or a field. It drops to the ground, and the surviving gnolls decide that sometimes running away is the better part of valor. They take their fallen comrades with them, leaving behind just a few pools of blood and one very still human.

“Caleb!” Nott runs to Caleb's side, wincing at the way Caleb's throat gapes, blood collecting on the ground around him.

The human is still breathing, but there's a rough, bubbling quality to the breaths that Nott doesn't like.

Caleb has a healing potion. Nott _knows_ that Caleb has a healing potion because Nott had insisted Caleb keep it after Nott stole it from a traveling apothecary. Nott searches Caleb's clothes, grabbing the potion and ripping the top off.

Caleb's head feels too light as Nott lifts it, sliding the glass of the potion bottle between Caleb's still lips. She tilts the bottle, then tosses it aside, holding Caleb's jaw closed as she waits for him to swallow or the magic to take effect.

It does, a pool of white light tracing down his throat, spreading out over the injuries and sealing them closed without a scar. Nott shivers, putting memories of other magic she's seen, other injuries she's seen out of her mind. Both of those belong to someone else, someone who isn't Nott.

Nott is just a goblin, holding a human together as magic saves his life.

Caleb wakes with a cry, practically pulling Nott off the ground as he lurches to his feet. “ _Vergib mir, vergib mir, nein, nein—_ ”

The energy seems to drain from Caleb as rapidly as it arrived, and he drops to his knees in the grass, burying his head in his hands.

“Caleb?” Nott reaches out tentatively to touch Caleb's shoulder.

“It burned—” Caleb's voice is rough, ragged, and he doesn't look at Nott. “It _burned_ , I burned it, I—”

Nott wraps her arms around Caleb, pulling him into her chest. He sits like that for over a minute, shivering, sobbing without tears.

And Nott finds herself singing without meaning to. “ _Hush, little one, the night is young; the dark is come and the sun has run. The moon is high, the stars look down; show them a smile, don't show them a frown._ ”

Eventually, slowly, Caleb stops shivering. He doesn't pull away from her, though, instead joining in on the final words in Zemnian.

“There we go.” Nott helps Caleb sit up. “What happened?”

Caleb shakes his head. “I can't... I can't talk about it.”

“You could. It's just me here.” Nott reaches up to lay her hand against Caleb's cheek. “And I won't judge.”

“Sometimes you should.” Caleb's hand covers hers. “Sometimes you really should judge.”

He doesn't elaborate, just standing, checking that all his things are still in place, and continuing along the path they had chosen that morning.

Nott follows, trying not to notice how warm her hand still feels where his touched hers. “If I start judging, I'll have to damn myself.”

Caleb turns to look at her. “Did you say something?”

Nott shakes her head. “Just that I hope we get to a town in time for dinner.”

Caleb looks at the sun. “I think we will.”

“I trust you.” Nott quickens her pace to walk at Caleb's side, smiling at him before settling her mask back into place.

Caleb considers for longer than most people would before saying, “I trust you too.”

Nott feels her chest warm in a way it has very few times in the past, but she refuses to let it be anything more than familial love.

She may not be Veth right now, but if she betrays the oaths Veth made then she never will be again. A truth can only be bent so far before it snaps, a heart squeezed so hard before it forgets how to beat.

***

Nott is also the one who falls in love with Jester.

She can't help it. There's something... magnetic about Jester. Not _pure_ , pure is something that Nott has never been in love with, but... alive, and fun, full of mischief without being full of _cruelty_. Jester is every impulse Nott has to touch shiny things, to _hold_ shiny things, to say things she maybe shouldn't, made manifest in a beautiful blue body.

Jester manages to thread the complication that is Nott's goblin form, neither ignoring it nor making it a big deal. Nott supposes she should have expected that—tieflings aren't as hated as goblins, but they're certainly not beloved in most places.

Jester trusts Nott. She has Nott help her with her pranks, inviting Nott along when she sabotages the temple of the Platinum Dragon to earn back her god's favor.

She remembers, like Nott does, that they're a great detective agency. How long has it been since someone just _accepted_ something like that?

Since long before Nott existed.

It's after they break into Avantika's quarters that matters come to a head, though.

It was absolute chaos on the ship. Which they really should have expected—have Jester and Nott ever managed something _without_ creating absolute chaos? But they _did_ manage it! They got the journal. They explored the cabin. They got a man stabbed and convinced another to jump off the crow's nest and break his leg.

A normal trip for the two of them, really.

And now they're dripping wet, victorious, soon to be making their way back to the tavern where the others are.

Nott kisses Jester. It's just a quick little peck on the cheek, a victory celebration, really, nothing more.

Jester turns to her, startled and smiling. She returns the kiss. “I think we did good.”

“Good?” Nott grins. “We did _great_.” It would be so easy to lean forward and kiss her properly, to turn this night just a _little_ more chaotic.

“Of course we did! Our detective agency never fails to find answers for our clients.”

“Even if those clients are us.” Nott stands up before she does something foolish, because if she's not going to allow herself to kiss Caleb, she's certainly not going to allow herself to kiss Jester. “Come on.”

Jester takes her hand, and the two of them skip towards the tavern and the safety of the Mighty Nein.

Their friends.

The people who _know_ them, who accept them... and who don't know anything at all, really, about Nott's true life.

Nott holds Jester's hand tight, afraid of what will come if that changes, knowing that the current situation can't last forever.

She can't hold herself in stasis, being true to the past while refusing to acknowledge it in the presence of the present and the hopes of the future.

She's going to have to tell them, but she doesn't know how, and it's too big a question to worry about now anyway.

Later. She'll worry about truth and plans and love later.

Love doesn't have to be recognized or requited to be something that sustains you, after all.

***

Nott also falls in love with Fjord, which she hadn't expected.

They've been at each other's throats ever since Fjord held a blade to Caleb's. That single action had been an attack on Nott, on her sense of safety and security in the group that she was slowly starting to call her own.

It had been Fjord's own fear of betrayal, his understanding that even someone you knew well could stab you in the back, his refusal to be played as a fool again.

She comes to understand that, over time. She comes to understand that Fjord is as deeply scarred in his own ways as Caleb, and by the time Fjord apologizes for his torment of her over her fear of water, Nott has already forgiven him.

They're all broken people in the Mighty Nein, after all. It's just that some of them wear their scars on the outside, covered in bandages; some of them wear their scars in a skin that doesn't fit, that causes others to judge them monsters even before they know the monstrous things they've done; some of them speak their scars, giving voice to words that aren't theirs in an attempt to be more than the unwanted bastards that they know they are.

The Mighty Nein all have scars, and Nott is very proud of those in their party who are actively trying to heal them.

It takes strength to toss aside power. To open oneself up. Nott recognizes what it costs Fjord to tell them about his history, about his crew, about the fact that the accent he speaks in is not the one that's his by right. She recognizes it because she, too, had to tear herself open for the Nein, to show them exactly who it was they were riding beside.

They accepted her.

She's not surprised that everyone accepts Fjord, too.

She teases him, still. It's what their relationship is, after all. If she were too kind to Fjord, he would think something was wrong—he would think that maybe he really _is_ broken, maybe he really _is_ just a burden. Nott isn't the one who comforts Fjord.

Nott is the one who tells him that he can't throw her into a volcano, reminding him that he was strong enough to throw something far more precious into the lava.

If someone offered her a way to do whatever she wanted, a way to get her body back, and all they wanted was to burn the world down...

She wouldn't take it.

It's a strange realization, but a true one. Maybe she wouldn't throw the powerful being into a volcano—she believes in planning for the future a bit more than that—but she wouldn't betray her friends.

She wouldn't betray Caleb.

Just like Fjord doesn't betray them.

He still fights with them. He risks his life to help when Caduceus gets swallowed.

So finding him outside covered in snow and seaweed, in a cocoon of unknown origin, is a little bit horrifying.

Everyone else is there, helping to pull Fjord out of the cocoon and back to his feet. It's Caduceus who tells Fjord that everything has been made right, presenting him with the sword they just worked very hard to reforge.

But it's Nott who's standing by Fjord later, as Caleb confronts demons of his past.

“How're you feeling?” Nott glances up at Fjord. “That's what we're supposed to ask each other, right?”

Fjord just looks confused.

“I'm being Jester right now. Since Jester is busy.” Nott gestures to the imposing prison. “To keep my mind off what's happening with Caleb.”

Fjord seems to accept that explanation. “Oh, I don't know. Confused. I'm mostly feeling confused.”

“See, I was going to guess relieved. I would be relieved if I went from powerless to super powerful in the course of one weird night in a seaweed cocoon.”

“I don't think the Wild Mother likes you enough to give you a seaweed cocoon.” Fjord's lips quirk into a smile, though, the tips of his newly grown tusks just starting to show when he does so.

“Yeah, she has weird taste in men. She likes them green and noodle-armed.”

“You've got the _green_ part covered, and I think everyone knows where your tastes in men run.” Fjord coughs into his hand, as uncomfortable as usual around the concept of sex.

“I mean, not _all_ my tastes run to the muscular. Not that Yeza can't get ripped when the work encourages it—when he used to help out with the harvests, mmmm, those were good times.” Nott's smile falters as she talks about her husband, though of course everyone knows Yeza now.

“Oh?” Fjord flexes, displaying a lot more muscle than he had the day before. “Does that mean I'd be in the running now?”

Nott studies him, and the answer, terribly, is _yes_. If Fjord were to ask her to jump into bed with him, and she weren't a married woman—but there's also Caleb, and Jester, and really it doesn't matter anyway because she _is_ married.

“Nott?” Fjord straightens, his voice uncertain.

“You're never going to be my type.” Nott reaches up to smack one of Fjord's biceps. “But you're better now than you were before the home improvements began.”

Fjord smiles, running a hand over his own arm. “You're right. I very much am.”

Caleb and the others return then, Caleb's eyes even more haunted than usual, and Nott tries to put her realization about Fjord out of her mind.

She can't love her whole traveling crew. Not in _that_ way. It would be ridiculous.

Hearts don't care about ridiculous or impossible, though. Hearts just care about being cradled, being cared for, being given space to breathe and grow and love, and the Nein are very good at all of that.

***

Beau is not one of the people Nott expected to fall in love with.

It wouldn't have happened if they hadn't gone back to Beau's house—to Beau's family, the people who share her blood but not her heart, the people who don't _deserve_ her.

The people who don't deserve the little boy they have, and maybe one day Beau will ask Nott to help her save TJ. Maybe one day they'll take him away from his parents and give him—what? Give him to Yeza, one more boy to raise without a mother?

Though maybe no mother at all is better than a mother who allows your abuse without a word.

Nott has _liked_ Beau for quite some time. What's there not to like about her? Sure, she's dangerous and brash and prone to poking things until they explode, but none of those are really _downsides_ in Nott's eyes. If there's a need for fireworks, Nott knows that Beau will be prepared.

If there's a battle to be fought, Beau will be right there at the front, swinging away and taking the hits for everyone else.

If there's a bargain to be made with evil hags...

“Jester saved us both.” Nott murmurs the words quietly to Beauregard, not sure if Beau's asleep or awake. Nott had fallen asleep during the meditation, and she's not sure exactly how late at night it is right now. Caleb would know, but Caleb's sleeping.

“Yeah.” Beau's response is immediate, though quiet. The dome is only so big, and this isn't a conversation for everyone—they already had this conversation with everyone—but also Nott doesn't feel like getting eaten by zombies, so in the dome they'll stay.

“I would have...” Nott stops, choking on the words. “You know what I would have done. And now I'm supposed to just go home to my husband and child and...”

“Now you're supposed to just go be yourself.” Beau rolls over, facing Nott. “Whatever that means, wherever that leads you.”

“I don't know what it means anymore.” Nott looks into Beau's fierce eyes, watching the way moonlight plays off the scar on Beau's face. “It means too many things.”

“I get that. I really do. I...” Beau gives a short, breathless laugh. “I wasn't lying when I said that I thought this was as high as I can go. I have... all of you chucklefucks. All of you. And a position in the Cobalt Soul, with peers who _respect_ me even when I don't deserve it, and—and I can't imagine anything better.”

“It's part of why I'm afraid.” Nott reaches out, touching Beau's hand. “I'm afraid that there _isn't_ something better. That this is as good as it gets, and that I'm going to hurt people who never deserved to be hurt because I love this life too much. I love _you_ all too much.”

Beau is silent, her brow creased, her lips turned down in a frown. Then she's moving, out of her bedroll before Nott can react, her arms looping around Nott.

Hugging her, Nott realizes, and that's all that stops her from accidentally stabbing Beauregard in the back.

Beau is hugging her.

“I don't say these words easy, you know.” Beau pulls back. “But I love you too, Nott. I love this whole ridiculous, impossible group of us. And I'll do whatever is needed to keep this group safe. To keep this group happy.”

“I know. You offered your life. You weren't... you weren't selfish.”

“I would have been.” Beau bows her head, her hair falling into her face on one side. “If I had thought of it, if I had realized that we could offer _others'_ misery... I would have.”

“But that's the difference between us. You immediately think to offer up your own happiness, while I...” Nott shivers. “I want so bad to be myself that I'll make others miserable— _kill_ others, even if indirectly—to get back there.”

“We all just want to be ourselves.” Beau's hand rests against Nott's cheek. “We're all just assholes stumbling through this life, trying to figure out where we can belong. But just because we're assholes and liars and thieves doesn't mean we can't make the world a better place.”

Nott presses her hand against Beau's. “Like Molly would want.”

Beau smiles, and there are ghosts in her eyes that hadn't been there when Nott met her, but they make her fit in better with the rest of the Nein. “Like Molly would want.”

“You think I...” Nott holds tight to Beau's hand. “You think it's all right to go home, even with what I was willing to do?”

“Willing to _talk_ about. You didn't actually _do_ anything.” Beau leans in, kissing the top of Nott's head. “Neither of us did. Because a better person stepped in to save us from ourselves.”

“You're even more in love with her now?”

Beau turns away, though she hugs Nott a little bit tighter to her. “I think I'm in love with a lot of people right now.”

Which, really, of course she is. Beau is the one who manages to seduce every new female friend they find on the road. Why wouldn't she fall for the wonderful, terrible people they're traveling with?

“I think I am, too.” Nott whispers the words into Beau's ear. “Even if I'm not supposed to be.”

“Looking never hurt anyone.” Beau whispers the words back, shifting so that she's holding Nott in her lap, the two of them looking out over the rest of the sleeping Nein.

They don't stay like that for long. Just a few minutes, holding each other, being held, together in the darkness. Then Beau gently shifts Nott off her, slips back into her sleeping bag, and closes her eyes with firm finality.

They don't talk about it in the morning. There's too much else to focus on, too much else they need to do.

Hearts are big enough to hold so much, after all—to hold two futures and a dozen loves, and still have room for all the hurt and grief that a life can bring.

***

Caduceus is the last one that Nott falls in love with.

She shouldn't have. He's a big cow man. And sure, she likes her men big. But he's so... Caduceus. He's so certain that there's a destiny and a purpose and a _reason_ behind everything, while Nott... Nott isn't all that convinced that the Wild Mother and the rest of the gods aren't just better con artists than Artagan is.

If there's a plan to the universe, it's a cruel one. If there's a purpose to all the suffering that's been endured, why the hell can't it be accomplished through kinder means?

She doesn't say any of that directly to him, of course. Caduceus volunteered to help them save their friends when he didn't know them at all, dropping everything to travel through a world he's only vaguely familiar with. He's kind in a way none of the rest of the Nein are, easily and without expectation of being repaid or thanked.

But it's not until Nott watches Caduceus' sister throw him into a pool that Nott thinks maybe she's a little bit in love with him, too.

She waits until he's coming back, his fur still dripping wet, and offers him a towel. “You seem to have a little something... everywhere.”

Caduceus laughs easily, taking the towel and mopping at his face. The towel that had seemed so ridiculously large when she was holding it barely covers his whole head and neck. “Thanks. Had a little... accident.”

“A sister-shaped accident?”

“There's a lot of accidents shaped like that.” Caduceus smiles down at her.

“I'm glad you were able to find your family.” It seems the least that Nott can say. “And that we were able to bring them all back.”

“Me, too.” Caduceus reaches down, his hand covering the entire top of Nott's head. “And now that we have, we'll go get you properly reunited with yours.”

“I don't...” Nott shivers. “It's not the same.”

“No. But most things aren't the same as other things, yeah?”

Nott takes a minute to parse out that sentence.

Caduceus makes a considering sound in his throat. “I mean... even things that _are_ the same _aren't_ the same, you know? Like, say... if Jester were to lose her mother, that would be real, real sad, but if the same thing happened to Beau, it'd be... well, I guess it'd still be sad, but a real _different_ kind of sad. Even when things are the same, they're not. So even when things are different, makes sense they can still be the same.”

“I think I follow you.”

“So me watching my family walk away, and coming to find them, and now getting to send them back home... it's not the same as you getting to get your body back and finally going back to your family. But it's got the same vibe, you know? The same good feeling with a little bit of melancholy, because a lot got broken and bruised along the way to getting back, and things'll never be the same as they were before the breaks and the bruises, but that doesn't mean they can't still be amazing.” Caduceus smiles again. “Like my bone flute, yeah? Somebody dies, and that's real sad for them, but now I've got this really neat instrument, and I get to give it to my sister. Differences and similarities.”

“Differences and similarities.” Nott smiles, trotting along at Caduceus' side. “You want me to steal your bone flute back for you?”

“Nah. Let her have some fun with it. When I manage to toss her into a pond, then I'll take it back.”

“Sounds legit. And Caduceus... thank you.” Nott reaches a hand up, burying it in the soft fur of Caduceus' forearm.

“No need to thank me.” Caduceus waves off the words. “I'm just being me.”

“You just keep doing that.” Nott scurries away before things can become even more emotional, not trusting herself not to start crying, not trusting Caduceus not to pick her up and hug her.

If he did, what would she do? Would it change what she decides needs to happen?

If the Nein weren't being so damn _nice_ about allowing her to go back home, would she be able to push for it, for the risk of leaving them behind?

She's never been happier to be heading back home, for the possibility of seeing Yeza and Luc again.

She's never been more scared of heading back home, for the possibility of leaving her family behind forever.

Sometimes one thing can be many things, just like Caduceus said, and the divisions between those _things_ always feels like they're splitting her in two.

***

It's Veth who falls in love with Yasha.

Yasha, who she distrusted for so very long. Yasha, who took so long to become a part of the group—who still holds herself a little bit separate, a little bit more alone in her grief than even Caleb is.

Perhaps because Caleb holds his belief that he's a monster openly, where Yasha hides hers deep under her skin until bruises bring it out? Perhaps because Yasha has such a hard time with words, whereas the rest of their damaged group can make their tongues explain what's happening?

Yasha flies.

They're potentially going to their deaths, potentially losing their very _selves_ , and Yasha flies. She does as Beau asked her to do, spreading wings and lifting them both up into the sky, and Veth realizes that she loves them both.

She loves that Beau will _do_ this—will jump, without any hesitation, without a back-up plan beyond the rest of them being there. And sure, that's a good plan—worst case scenario, Jester or Caduceus will fix Beau up after she splatters herself against the rocks. But still... even with magical healing, getting hurt _hurts_ , and Nott doesn't think she'd be able to risk it.

And Yasha... Yasha, who lost everything not just once but twice, who has betrayed her people in repayment for betrayal and then had her will stolen and her body turned against her own friends—Yasha is willing to fly to catch her.

“It's so romantic.” Jester clasps her hands together when the two disappear up above the cliff. “Do you think they're going to come right back down? Or do you think they're going to kiss? Or, given Beau, do you think they're going to have sex?”

The simple glee in Jester's voice brings a smile to Veth's face, though her own speculations have a lot more melancholy to them than Jester's. “I think it's going to take them a long time to tip-toe around each other to the point of having sex. They're both kind of useless when it comes to relationships.”

“Oh, Nott, that's not fair.” Jester freezes, her cheeks becoming a darker blue. “I mean... Veth. That's not fair to say, Veth.”

“It's all right. I don't mind.” Veth presses a hand to her heart. “Nott was me. I made her, in order to survive—in order to keep myself sane. I'm Veth, yes, but Nott didn't just... disappear.”

“Well... she kind of did. And she took my mama's bathtub with her.” Jester's arm goes around Veth. “But I agree with you, you know. You're Nott, and you're Veth, and I love you both dearly.”

“I love you too, Jes.” Nott hugs Jester's leg, holding tight to her for several long seconds.

Jester doesn't know what kind of love Veth means, but that's really for the best. And does it matter much, in the end? She loves the Mighty Nein, true, but they're all really terribly bad at relationships, and Veth has a husband and son waiting for her at home.

A husband who would sprout wings and catch her if she fell, just like Yasha caught Beau.

The fact that Veth would never be brave enough to jump on her own... well, that's Veth's failing and nobody else's.

Sometimes the heart needs help to be brave. Sometimes it needs not just a new name but a new life, and Nott was never different enough from Veth for her to let go of all that came before, no matter how hard she tries.

***

“So... that's everything. All the times I almost cheated on you but didn't. Unless we count emotional cheating.” Veth picks at a piece of string that's coming loose from the sheet. “Oh, and there was this big minotaur I kind of lusted over, but that was half to get Fjord worked up. And I kissed Caleb right before I turned back into Veth, but I already told you I kind of love Caleb.”

Yeza's hand covers the piece of string, stopping Veth from picking at it. “Could we... could we slow down for a minute? I'm still processing all the rest of it.”

“Of course.” Veth forces her fingers to be still, her body to relax. It's easier than it would have been as Nott—her goblin body always seemed _primed_ , ready to explode into action, one heartbeat away from terror or love or joy—but it's still hard. Veth has never been good at being still.

Yeza takes a few minutes to just sit there, his eyes closed, his hand atop hers.

Then he leans forward, and presses his lips to hers.

Veth grabs his head with both hands, pulling him in tight, holding him to her with all her strength. She had been so afraid that she would lose him over this, that he wouldn't _understand_. This is a better reaction than she could have hoped for.

He doesn't allow her hands to do much more than kiss him before he's pulling back, stopping her hand from sliding down his back and towards his pajama bottoms. He looks deep into her eyes and he asks another question she isn't prepared for. “Have you talked to any of them about this?”

Veth gives her head a violent shake. “No. It would make things weird.”

“It sounds to me like things are _already_ kind of weird. You said that Beauregard has a crush on both Yasha and Jester; that Fjord maybe has a crush on Jester; that Caleb has a crush on Jester and maybe you; that Caduceus seems oblivious to romance in general... it sounds like there's a lot of unexplored potentials here.”

“That's because people keep trying to kill us, and it's hard not to consider that distracting someone who may be saving your life in a few hours is a bad idea.”

“We'll come back to that part, because it disturbs me that people keep trying to kill you, and also I kind of get the impression that you _like_ that part of the adventuring.”

“I mean... not so much?” Veth wiggles a hand back and forth. “I like the exploring, and I like the picking locks and solving puzzles and the getting the treasure at the end part. I mean... I've gotten a _lot_ of treasure.”

“You have. You've brought home more money in two months than I think three generations of my family's wealth together couldn't even begin to match.”

“And the people trying to kill us... we're not typical heroes. We're not even necessarily good people. We're...” Veth struggles for words, and falls back onto Beauregard's. “We're assholes, but we're assholes trying to leave the world a better place than we found it. Trying to stop people from being assholes because they want to and then covering it up with some... some ridiculous reason why the people they're being assholes to should be _grateful_ to them for the honor. Do you know Vocodo had them _worshipping_ him as well as giving him all their stuff? Like, isn't it enough to just steal from people? Why do you have to steal from them and convince them they should worship you for it at the same time?”

“Nobody should. I'm glad you stopped him.” Yeza leans in to kiss her gently again. “I'm glad you got to give all those people a chance to go _home_. You saved them, Veth.”

“Not everyone was grateful. Some of them... some of them I broke their home.” She remembers a woman walking through a tree, though, her head held high, her child finally in her arms again. “But for some of them... it was the only way they could see their families again.”

“You didn't break any homes, Vocodo did. You saved people.” Yeza cups her cheeks. “You've _been_ saving people. All of you have. Maybe you're not perfect, but it sounds like there's enough trauma in your backgrounds to turn a full village of people feral, and yet... here you are. Banding together. Helping each other. Saving each other.”

“That doesn't mean they'd want us to all start fucking each other.” Veth chews on her bottom lip. “I don't want to make things _weird_ , you know?”

“What would be weird about asking them?”

“Everything.”

“What's the worst reaction they could have?” Yeza arches an eyebrow.

“They could say I'm not welcome to travel with them anymore because I'm a weird sex-crazed pervert.”

Yeza rolls his eyes. “Okay, how about... what the most _likely_ bad reaction they'll have?”

“Beau will say she doesn't sleep with anyone with a penis.”

“It sounds like that's a problem that all of two people in the group would have.”

“Yasha might also be the same way? It's less clear. I know she didn't want to marry anyone other than her wife...” Veth lifts a finger to her lips, chewing on the nail. “And I don't know if Caleb would even _want_ to have sex with someone if they didn't see him as one hundred percent male. He's already been hurt enough by other things; no need to add more trauma to the list.”

“What about Jester?”

“I think Jester would be absolutely down for it, but I'm not sure she'd really _understand_ , right? I mean... her mom did the best she could, but Jes still grew up learning about romance from novels and a very high-end whorehouse, she's got some... ideas.”

Yeza shrugs. “Maybe they're not bad ones? What about Fjord?”

“I'm pretty sure he was a virgin before Avantika, and I'm not sure he'll ever want to have sex again after we set him up with a pirate and used their trysts to get her killed.”

Yeza's expression turns to equal parts confusion and alarm, and Veth realizes she has some more stories to tell. Later, though.

“Look...” Veth takes her husband by both arms, rolling him over and straddling him. “I'm happy with how things are. I'm happy having _you_ , and having _them_ , and I just... I just wanted to make sure you knew everything. To make sure you were all right with it.”

“I love you, Veth. Forever and for always, I love you.” Yeza leans up to kiss her. “I just want you to be happy.”

“I'm happy right now.” Veth kisses him back. “Let me show you how happy I am.”

She _is_ happy, too. Her heart couldn't be more full, her love for Yeza and Luc and the Mighty Nein all crammed into one small container.

The thing about hearts, though, is that they can stretch to hold so much more emotion than anyone thinks they're capable of.

***

Of all the things to happen in the tower Caleb made for them, everyone getting strangely quiet and staring at her is not one Veth expected.

Especially when she hasn't _done_ anything. Sure, it's been a stressful few days, but they're doing all right. They're _warm_ , at least, which is better than how they were the first night they were chasing down Molly's team.

“What?” Veth swallows the bit of pie in her mouth, wishing Dagan hadn't gone to bed so quickly. “Is there pie on my face?”

“No.” Caleb smiles, looking around at the others. “I think we all just wish to talk to you.”

“Oh no.” Veth pushes the rest of her pie away. “That's how you start a conversation that goes one of two ways, and I suspect the way it's going to go is the way I won't like. This isn't an intervention, right—I haven't been doing any heavy drinking or anything?”

That shouldn't be a question, but in the midst of the worst of her drinking she hadn't realized exactly how bad it was getting.

“No.” Beau grins, one elbow resting on the table. “Just... Yeza talked to us, and we've been talking among ourselves, and we figured it was time we talked to you.”

Veth feels all the blood drain from her face. “I'm going to kill him.”

Caleb clears his throat. “We were going to tell you that it's all right if you want to kiss any of us—”

“Never mind, I'm going to kiss him the next time I see him.” Veth feels as though there's not enough air in the room, though she knows that's foolish. Caleb's spell would never fail like that. “I don't—exactly what did Yeza tell you all?”

“Enough.” Caduceus smiles.

“That you love us, and that you've thought about kissing us all, but that you were afraid it would make _him_ upset, or make _us_ upset.” Jester has her hands clenched together in front of her. “Oh, it just sounded so romantic and sweet and sad all at once!”

“I told him all that in confidence, and did not expect any of the rest of you to hear about it.” Veth is still trying to decide if she's panicking or delighted or both.

“Did you _tell_ him it was in confidence?” Caleb asks the question quietly.

“Well... no. Technically not. But I thought what happened in the bedroom stayed in the bedroom.”

“Oh?” Fjord takes a bite of pie. “That wasn't _my_ understanding. My understanding was that what happens in the bedroom is what everyone else talks about and teases you about for the rest of the week.”

Jester throws a napkin at Fjord. “What he _means_ to say is we've all talked, and we all think it's very sweet that you love us so much, and you'd be welcome in any of our rooms at any time.”

Caleb nods. “I'm not sure why you'd really _want_ some of us and the baggage that comes along with loving us—”

Veth glares at him. “Stop right there. I love you. Whether I kiss you or not, I love you.”

“And so do the rest of us, Caleb.” Jester reaches out to touch Caleb's hand.

“You told me...” Yasha speaks hesitantly, voice quiet. “When I was having trouble, you told me... some important things. About happiness, and how we... need to be happy when we have the chance. Even if we don't deserve it.”

Beau glares across the table at Yasha.

“Even if we _think_ we don't deserve it,” Yasha amends with a small smile.

Veth glances between all of them. “I think I've really missed some things.”

Fjord clears his throat. “We've just figured... well... there are a lot of us who have... feelings for other members of the party.”

“We're a family.” Beau grins. “We're going to be a family who's fucking.” Her grin falters. “Wait, no—that sounded better in my head.”

“We all love each other.” Caduceus rocks dreamily in his seat. “We're all bound together by a variety of things—by fate, by choices, by caring. We're just figuring out how to make the most of this time we've been given together.”

“Yeza and my mama both talked to each other, and to a lot of us.” Jester is practically glowing. “And they made some very good points about how we already know each other pretty intimately, and if there really are a lot of potential relationships here, well, maybe we should consider trying some things out.” The innuendo in the last part of Jester's sentence practically takes on a life of its own.

“All of you.” Veth points in a slow circle around the table. “Are all right with this?”

Caduceus nods. “I mean, we all have our own... takes on things. I don't really do sex, you know? But I like hugs. Hugs are good. So's cuddling. And I'm always happy to talk to people about things, yeah?”

“I don't do guys.” Beau glances at Fjord and Caduceus and Caleb. “Not for more than cuddle time, at least.”

“I've actually never dated _anyone_ , and now I'm going to be dating _everyone_.” Jester's hands rise to clasp her own cheeks. “So I expect to make a _lot_ of mistakes, but I'll try, and at least I have read about a lot of things, and my mama's made sure I know all the mechanics.”

Fjord clears his throat. “I haven't... I haven't a lot of experience, personally. Not that sailors are known for monogamy and stable relationships, but... well... I'll see how things work, and we'll re-evaluate.”

Caleb nods decisively. “That's going to be an important part. Talking to each other. Evaluating what works and what doesn't. But I think... we're actually not too bad at that?”

“We check in with each other already.” Jester's tail swishes happily behind her. “We'll just have to do it more.”

“So?” Caleb slides his hand across the table, palm up. “What do you say, Veth?”

“I say...” Veth blinks tears from her eyes. “I love you all dearly, and I love my stupid husband, and I want this to last forever.”

“I'll drink to that.” Beau raises her glass. “To love and Yeza and all of this lasting forever.”

Everyone else raises their glasses, murmuring some variation on the toast.

Veth doesn't let go of Caleb's hand, holding him tight as though he might vanish at the first opportunity. Given Caleb and his relationship with happiness, there's a good chance he might.

When he leaves the table for the night, Veth goes with him.

He doesn't try to stop her, though he watches her, head tilted slightly. “This is really what you want?”

Veth raises his hand to her lips and kisses it. “This is what I've wanted for ages.”

“I'm...”

“Caleb Widogast.” Veth steps closer to him, presses him up against the door to his too-plain apartment. “And Bren Aldric Ermendrud. You're my friend, and you're a member of the Might Nein, and you are amazingly hot, and I intend to—”

Caleb laughs, face flushing almost as red as his hair. “All right, all right. Come on in.”

Caleb's room is just as depressingly utilitarian as it had been the last time Veth saw it, and she clutches tighter to Caleb's hand. “You're really happy about this? Willing?”

“I really am. I want you to be happy, Veth.”

“And _you_?” Veth pauses, tugging Caleb to a standstill next to her. “What would make _you_ happy?”

Caleb hesitates, and then looks her in the eye, expression open and honest. “This. Being with you if you want me, being with the Nein, trying to stop the Assembly from wreaking more war... I want this. Do I still want more? Do I want to undo the past? I don't know anymore. But I want this.”

“Then that's all I need to hear.” Veth pulls him in for a deep kiss, her tongue sliding into his mouth when he startles in surprise.

Veth never meant to love anyone but Yeza. And if it weren't for Nott, she doesn't think she would have. But the people that Nott loved—the people that Nott saved and was saved by—they don't diminish anything else that she has. They just add to it, a never-ending latticework of hope and love.

Veth may not have faith in any gods, but she has absolute faith in her friends, and together... together they're going to change the world, and leave it just a little bit better than it had been before.


End file.
